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entry 2--surviving cannot be done alone.........

tara34 started this conversation

 I HAVE NEVER REALLY HAD WHAT THEY CALL, AN EASY LIFE. BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY NOT BAD. WE WERE RAISED, 8 BRO AND SIS , TWO PARENTS WORKING ALL THE TIME, AND MY OLDEST SISTER(10YRS OLDER) GOT USED TO US SMALLER ONES CALLING HER MOMMA. WE NEVER HAD IT EASY, BUT WE PULLED TOGETHER AND MADE GOOD MEMORIES.WELL, SOME. I MARRIED AT AN EARLY AGE OF 17. GOD, THAT WAS THE FIRST RUDE AWAKENING OF REALIZATION. HE DRANK ALOT, AND WOULD GET PRETTY VIOLENT TOWARDS ME. SO, IN 1993, MY OLDEST ANGEL,1 AND 1/2, AND PREGNANT WITH MY 2ND, I FOUND OUT I WAS HAVING A BOY.I COULDNT DO THAT REPETITION OF VIOLENCE, NOR COULD I BE PROUD TO RAISE KIDS AROUND VIOLENCE. I PACKED UP MY THINGS, GRABBED MY LIL'TIF, NOW 15, AND WE LEFT. WHEN TY WAS BORN, IT WAS TOUGH. TRYING TO GO BAK TO COLLEGE, RAISE TWO BABIES, AND BE 100% SUPPORT TO THESE TWO. I STILL DO NOT REGRET IT A BIT.        I MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME IN 1999. THAT WAS THE SICKEST ROLLER COASTER RIDE YOU COULD EVER ATTEMPT. OFF AND ON, WE PLAYED IT OUT FOR 5 YEARS. 2 MORE BEAUTIFUL BABES ....1 GIRL, TAYLOR, AND THE CABOOSE, TRISTIN. I HAVE MADE ALOT OF MISTAKES ALONG THE WAY, BUT ONE THING I HAVE DONE WELL. I HAVE BRIGHT, EAGER, AND VERY BRAVE CHILDREN. AND FOR THAT, I TAKE FULL CREDIT. BEING A SINGLE PARENT IS THE HARDEST THING TO SURVIVE. I CONSIDER IT SURVIVING....BUT AS MY SECOND MARRIAGE DREW NEARER THE END, MY PARENTS BECAME WORRIED ABOUT ME, AS I WAS THEM. MOM , DIAGNOSED WITH DIABITIES 20 YRS BEFORE, NEVER COULD GET IT UNDER CONTROLL. HECK, IF HER SUGAR WAS DOWN IN THE 200s- SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS DOING GREAT. SERIOUS COMPLICATIONS ARE WHAT CAME NEXT FOR HER. ALOT OF THEM, AND QUITE OFTEN.  3 STROKES,PANCRIATITIS,BELLS PAULSY(some spelling champ huh) LIVER  AND KIDNEY PROBLEMS....U GET THE PICTURE. SO MY DAD ASKED ME TO MOVE IN W/ THEM, THEY COULD BABYSIT 4 ME...I COULD WATCH OUT FOR THEM....WORKED GREAT FOR A WHILE.   I MET FUTURE HUSBAND #3 SHORTLY AFTER I MOVED IN W/ THEM. AT MY JOB, NO LESS. THINGS WERE ACTUALLY STARTING TO QUIT SPINNING FROM THE MOTION SICKENESS OF THE COASTER, WHEN APRIL 13, 2006 CAME.

I GO TO WORK...MOM AND DAD WANT TO GO TO WALMART TO FINISH EASTER SHOPPING. I WENT ON TO WORK, 2pm; 6pm ROLLS AROUND......MANAGER(AND BEST FRIEND) TELLS ME TO GO GET IN HER CAR. I DID. AND THATS WHEN SHE TOLD ME. I CAN HEAR HER WORDS AS IF THEY WILL ECHO FOREVER.YOUR FAMILY HAS BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT. I HAD TO ASK; ARE YOU SURE? WHO WAS ALL IN IT?

CASUALLY, YET ANXIOUSLY WANTING TO BELIEVE IT WAS A FINDER BENDER, AND THAT AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, MY MOM WAS SCREAMING AT MY DAD; "I TOLD YOU SO!" THE NEXT WORDS FROM MY FRIEND?'''''3 OF YOUR KIDS WERE JUST LIFELIGHTD. I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH TIME ELAPSED AT THAT TIME, BUT THE ONLY ONE THING I REMEMBER ASKING HER WAS WHICH ONE OF MY KIDS WERE OK. SHE DIDNT KNOW. From work to the nearest hospital was approx. 15 miles. 1/2 way there, I get a call, and they have more news. My friend takes te phone. She looked at me and i knew what was coming....question was, who? Tara, we have to drive thru the wreckage. they want you to be aware....

the worst plunge in your stomach cannot describe the impact of emotion when she tells me, your mom and dad were both killed instantly.

Gut wrenched, and feeling an enormous amount of fear, i made it inside the hospital doors.(1st hospital-to stabalize) and the kids' pediatrician, gen prac., was meeting me at the ER doors.Tara. i need you to stop first and let me update you on thier conditions. Not wanting to delay another minute with my kids, i knew i had to. i asked her, who is safe? 1 of my babies is ok, right?  She shook her head, and mumbled out, Ty wasnt in there.(12 yrs old) TIF-11 broken ribs, crushed pelvis at least 3 places,rt femur shattered, rt hip, shattered. temp amnesia, both lungs were collapsing, severed her liver, and condition=poor; chances=50/50. TRISTIN-aged 2 yrs...17 breaks in lower extremities, feet disconnected from legs, abdominal swelling of unknown source.massive swelling to the brain.condition-critical chances=30% survival chance. TAYLOR,4, we couldnt wait for you, she is the worst. Massive head trauma.   that was it. no breaks. no internal issues. sounded more hopeful than my oldest and youngest....

Dr tells me; TAYLOR-condition-very critical  chances..............10-15%.

i started screaming at this doctor and friend. I shouted out that she is responsible. It is her job to make my babies well. she had better get away from me and tend to those babies. reminding myself(as if), that mom and dad were not there to hold me. WHAT? NOT THERE ANYMORE?i couldnt even fathom it. All I could do is pray for God to leave the lil' ones.

It was `130 miles to SLC, where the kids had been flown. I had picked up Don, fiance', and my biggest baby boy, Ty,and what a reunion that was. i was truely feeling blessed just to hold on to one of my babes. In the very next second, I felt rage, then i felt cheated. and i wondered if i could cope with a child with physical impairments.

We arrived at the hosp. at 8:11pm. Met by several physicians, surgeons, ortho,neuro.......and a small woman moved to the front of this congregation. To that point, I had only thought I knew pain. IM SORRY, BUT TAYLOR DIDNT MAKE IT. was all I remember for hours. We werent allowed to got see the other 2 yet,(too many medical procedures to do, including the bolt being put in to Tristins tiny skull, to monitor pressure.So, for what seemed like just minutes to me, but was truely,as Im told now, 5-6 hours i did nothing but rock my lil baby girl for one last time.

I was scared to put her down. I was affraid of never picking her up again. never being cheeck to cheek, playing the raspberry game.Nothing FOREVER.

 

to be continued.....

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